Tonight I spent some time writing in a twenty three year old journal. I purchased it when I first arrived to Arizona during my first marriage. It’s only half full and most entries are during my episodes of great love or great sadness. There were mention of lost friends, lost love, and some adventures. There were overwhelming feelings of great despair. The cry to be loved. It’s all I ever really wanted.
The common theme…Love me…Please.
My first thought, after embarrassment, was that I’m no longer that young, newly married woman, or new mother, or divorcee. I’m no longer the girl that suffered through anxiety, or was admitted to a mental health facility. I’ve grown, I’ve prospered, I’m educated, and I have a great career. I am a mother to three and in a 14 year relationship with my second husband.
Make no mistake I am still that woman, I am all of them. I still long to be loved, to be desired, to be appreciated. It’s a bit more disguised now. It’s hidden in the words and actions of a forty something year old woman. The desire is still the same, to be loved, please love me.
I want to be loved for my perfection, for my abilities. Do not love me for my weaknesses, I couldn’t handle it because I am a perfectionist and I cannot have weaknesses. If I have weaknesses I am unlovable. There it is…Unlovable. I ask you to love me but how can you? I am unlovable. Today I do not pine for a man’s love, no, I pine for your acceptance, I pine for your acknowledgement… I pine for your admiration.
See…I am no longer that weak woman, I am a strong woman, I do not wait for a man’s affection, no it’s on a much grander scale now. I act as if what you think of me does not bother me…but it does. I point out other people’s faults, because I don’t want you to see mine. I am perfect, can’t you see? I am strong and you cannot hurt me…don’t you see? They left me, but that’s ok, I was too good for them…but am I good enough for you?
Don’t you see? It’s still the same.