I’m Not Smart Enough

It hit me today. I’m smart. Imagine going through life thinking that. Imagine finishing in the top 30% of your high school class, completing your undergrad in your thirties, while working a full time, intense job, raising three kids while your husband worked nights, and not just going to school part time but full time. Four classes a semester for three years. Starting a job as the receptionist and within seven years leaving that job with the title of forensic accountant. Then at the age of 39 deciding to go back for your Master’s and finishing it with a 3.97 GPA. Yep still didn’t think I was smart, that I wasn’t special.

Here’s the thing, I am, I’m flipping brilliant. Lately I have been entertaining getting a doctorate or PHD, actually it’s always been a dream. I could never land on the exact reason why. I rationalized that it’s because I want to teach in my retirement years and that a PHD would make that more attainable. I don’t think that’s why. I also figured that it’s because I have something to prove, that’s not it either. Today it hit me after watching Undone on Amazon Prime. It’s because I’m special. Truly, and I feel guilty saying that. I feel that I have a huge ego by saying it but what is wrong by acknowledging how special I am? Special in my own way. That a PHD is something I desire and I don’t have a tangible reason why other than my “big” brain would like to accomplish that.

Now there’s also the reality of the cost of a PHD, or the time investment of a PHD. But it’s also a dream. So do I go live the dream, is it even possible with my health? Is it fair for my family if I occupy my time with all the work that goes into a PHD? What about my new job? I have so much to learn, is this the right time when I have so much to learn?

I’m not quite sure if I have those answers yet, but I definitely have the questions. The only answer or statement I do have is I am indeed smart enough.

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