I’m sitting at my dirty kitchen table waiting for my potato and leeks to start to boil so I can start the timer. My mind was racing as I was washing the dishes I dirtied to start my food prep for the week. I’m exhausted…I can barely keep my eyes open but if I don’t do these things my week will suck so bad because I’ll make bad food choices. I’m also waiting for the timer to go off for the washer as I need clothes for the week and a pile of dirty laundry really stresses me out.

I can remember the days where Sunday was a day I hung out on the couch, caught up on all the laundry and bought groceries. Back then I could buy the frozen meals for lunch at work and pop something random in my mouth for breakfast. I can still do that but I will pay for it dearly with body aches, headaches, fits of rage, and an overall unwell feeling.

I’m faced with a choice, clean house or somewhat healthy me, problem is when things are cluttered and not clean it stresses me out. I remember Saturdays I would do yard work and run all around town and Sunday was spent chilling and cleaning and it was OK. It didn’t leave me spent and exhausted to my core.

For a few years I have managed to not be so exhausted but in the past few months that’s changed and I seem to be out of remission from whatever mystery illness I have. I mean I have fibromyalgia, at least that’s what they diagnosed me with years back when they couldn’t understand why I could barely walk and hurt all the time. They couldn’t see anything yet on my brain scan but they didn’t check my spine or my spinal fluid. There was no RA or lupus, no thyroid condition or any other autoimmune disease they could see.

Just a few weeks ago I was training for a 5K today I’m training so I can walk and have half way decent balance. Today the doctor really thinks I have Multiple Sclerosis but can’t say for sure, not until we run through a battery of tests and hope they see what’s there, that they can say yes this is why your right side is much weaker than your left, this is why you are stuttering, this is why your hands tremble, why you are falling and tripping over absolutely nothing.

Today I can barely keep my eyes open, anytime there are too many steps to follow I begin to lose balance and stutter. Today I go out for an hour and I come home completely wiped and ready to crawl in to bed but unable to close my eyes and go to sleep.

I refuse to give up but I do want answers, I want to know my enemy so I can know how to beat it. I’m tired, I’m sleepy, and I keep having to correct my typing because my hand keeps trembling. I am truly and utterly exhausted.

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