There’s this part in the movie Twilight where Bella is on the floor of the dance studio with a deep leg wound; as Carlisle is tending to her wounds she screams out “It burns!!” It’s then they see the real damage, she’s been bitten.  Thankfully Edward is able to remedy the situation and Bella remains human.

Fast forward to Breaking Dawn 1 where Bella and has painfully given birth to their daughter but the event leaves her lying on the table lifeless. Edward springs to action and administers his venom via a very large needle. I’ll leave out the other details, if you’ve seen the movie, you know, if you haven’t I apologize for exposing you to my obsession.  The venom should save her she should be writhing in pain while it repairs the damage and turns her slowly into a vampire.  But she just lies their lifeless but then the scene flashes to her writhing in pain, screaming from the burn of the venom, then flashes back to her current state.  They can’t see the pain she is in.

She’s screaming on the inside, I’m screaming on the inside.  Edward did not see the true pain she was in, and I, I try to push away the pain inside, the burning terror underneath the surface.  Some days it burns and I scream out to my loved ones and they know why I am in pain. Other days it’s hidden away and I lay there and they do not know the pain I truly feel, and if I’m honest neither do I.

I realized it tonight after I had binged on fruit snacks and Halloween candy.  I took a shower to wash away the guilt, the disgust, the aches, and the desperation.  As the water washed over me I saw flashes, I always thought these were flashes of me harming myself, I was wrong, it was always the trauma breaking through.  I placed my palms flat on the shower wall and took note of the cold on my palms, I noted my feet flat on the stable shower floor and I started walking through the past week.  The week started off just fine, but a series of events took place that took their toll on me.

A series of hormonal events triggered a fibromyalgia flare which causes its own set of issues, but the biggest event of them all was a loved one’s birthday.  A loved one that just a few months ago I had to cut out of my life because the trust is no longer there and they are a danger to my family.  The birthday made me sad but I pushed through it, as the water washed over me I then knew.  I knew that this was the key to my current state.  In April when it all came to pass there were hours, even days, I can’t remember, it was such a shock, I thought I processed it, I thought I did what I normally would not do and that’s go through the pain.

At the beginning of Breaking Dawn 2 Bella awakens as a newborn vampire.  The venom did its job.  Ever wonder if the venom in your life is breaking you down to build something beautiful?  Maybe not a vampire, but what you are meant to be?  Just consider it, I know I am.

Tomorrow I see my therapist, because it’s just too much, I need more than the tools in my toolbox to deal with this or I need to learn new ways to use my tools.

This journey that you are experiencing with me, it’s raw, it’s very real.  This real I speak of is happy and sad, exciting and depressing, it’s my life and I thank you for joining me on this journey.