But it’s so comfortable here

I am more than my trauma, more than my fibromyalgia.  I am more that any single event in my life, I am a collection of every last one of them.  But…there are some that I revisit and bask in the odd comfort they give me, old traumas, old lives, dark memories.  Why is this darkness so comfortable?

I wrap myself up in the down comforter of trauma and rest my head in the memories.  I know how important it is not to stay there.  In fact I often times negotiate with myself how long I will stay there. It’s an active choice where I reside, light or darkness.  My Christian self tells me that in Jesus name I can cast away the demons…but dear God why are they so comforting?  Well, at least they are in the moment.

These memories are much like the alluring affair or a good piece of chocolate cake full of promise and stomach aches. It’s hard for me to comprehend the comfort of this all, the desire to fill all the holes my trauma left behind.  It’s always an active choice to not physically set dig roots and reside more permanently in the darkness.

Instead of setting up residence I mingle instead and then…I come up for air.

All this came to me as I was driving to work.  I was dancing in and out of old memories and it was clear how very comforting they were…but…life one the other side is invigorating.

I am the combination of ALL my life events.  Not just the dark or bright and shiny ones.

 

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