It’s my party and…

It’s all about you…

Seriously, it’s my 40th birthday and it’s all about you not me.  No joke, my birthday party is about everyone else and not me.  Who’s with me?  When you plan your party you’re thinking about what everyone else would like, not you, right? (Crickets Chirping) OK maybe it’s just me. 

Hi, my name is Laura and I struggle with people pleasing.  I bend and melt and break myself to fit into many molds to be liked, to be noticed, to be accepted for the amazing creature I am, funny thing is what I do takes away from who I am What I continually forget is there are people in my life that already love me as I am and want me in their life while I’m chasing acceptance of others.  How sad if that, I’m chasing love and acceptance when it’s right in front of me.  What a glorious waste of energy.

This weekend I started planning my 40th birthday party, I reserved the place, invited people via social media and invitation apps.  I scrolled through my Facebook list and phone contacts and thought about who is an acquaintance? Who is a friend? Who do I invite? Who do I not?  Will they get upset?  Then after that barrage of questions to myself I shifted to anxiety mode.  Will I be able to give each person enough attention at my party should they decide to come?  Maybe I shouldn’t invite them because they’ll feel left out if I can’t give enough one on one attention.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!  This is what I was thinking about? This is a momentous occasion.  I’m alive, I’m a survivor.  I made it to 40 and I am blessed to be able to celebrate in style.  Guys, gals, this is one of my many versions of people pleasing. 

Wait it gets better……I also thought to myself, “I’m sending out this invite really early, maybe too early, they’ll all think I’m a bit too excited.”  This thought then led to further introspection of myself, of why I do what I do.  I’m so excited to be able to have a party and have people to invite but for some reason I just can’t stay excited.  Why is that?

I have a few thoughts.  As a kid I never fit in, I was the outcast, and obviously I wasn’t popular.  I was made fun on the regular.  That little girl still lives inside of me.  She reminds me that I really don’t have that many friends, that no one really likes us.  The two of us should just retreat and blend out of sight of the world.  But I’m not that little girl anymore! I have friends! I’m not unpopular! Yet somehow, I still feel alone.

Truth…I am accepted and loved.  There are people in my life that love and accept me just as I am.  They are the ones that matter, they are the cake, the rest, the rest are just frosting.  I’m so busy trying to decorate my cake, with extra frosting and sprinkles and candles and edible flowers that I’ve ignored the cake, the really good stuff, the stuff that provides a foundation for the frosting and all that other jazz.  

What’s the point of my ongoing narrative?  I am turning 40 in a few months and I spent a decent amount of effort worrying about everyone else but me.  This is my party, it is about me, and those that know and love me the deepest will be excited for the early invite, they’ll be pumped to just celebrate, they won’t care how much time I get to spend with them, they’ll just be happy that we get to celebrate another momentous year. 

My name is Laura and I struggle with people pleasing, but it does not define me it is merely part of my crazy frosting.  Special thank to Monique Lewis for sharing the cake and frosting analogy with me, though I baked and frosted it a little different she provided the inspiration.

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